Co-Parenting After Separation: presenter notes
28 slides, about 60 minutes including 21 minutes of video. The Brain Health Education Institute.
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SlideCo-Parenting Children After Separation
The start page. Leave it up while people join, or let people read it before they begin. When you're ready, press the right arrow to go to the title slide.
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SlideCo-Parenting After Separation
Welcome everyone and introduce yourself. Keep it warm and low-key; many will be anxious just being here. About 60 minutes in all, including roughly 21 minutes of video.
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SlideBefore we start
Say the ground rules out loud. 'No names, no stories about the other parent' keeps the room safe and stops it becoming a complaints session. Point to the help lines now so people know where they are.
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AskWhy can a two-line message from the other parent ruin your whole evening?
Ask it, then wait a full ten seconds. Take two or three answers, don't correct anyone, just reflect a phrase back: 'so your heart races', 'you can't stop thinking about it'. Then: 'Hold that thought. The next three pages explain why.'
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SlideIt is grief
Set the scene slowly. The message across these three pages: you are not going mad, you are grieving. Point out the different timetables: it explains why one parent seems 'over it' while the other is still raw. Ask: 'Has anyone felt three of these in one day?'
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SlideIt is your alarm system
The key reframe of the night. The ex hasn't turned into a monster; their alarm is going off. Say the safety line out loud: understanding it never means putting up with abuse. Ask: 'Which one do you tend to do: fight, flight or freeze? Which does the other parent do?'
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SlideYour body is carrying it
Bring it into the body. Many parents are surprised that rejection is processed like physical pain. Then join the dots: a depleted body has a hair-trigger alarm, which is exactly why less contact helps. This is the bridge into everything that follows.
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SlideWorking together, or parallel parenting?
This is the bridge from the psychology to the practical. Both are co-parenting: one works closely together, the other runs side by side. Stress the shared goal first, so no one hears parallel parenting as giving up. Then the key point: parallel parenting works with the brain's operating system, not against it. Fewer contacts means fewer alarms going off. Many families move back toward co-parenting once things calm down.
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AskIf you could see things through your child's eyes right now, what would they notice most?
Shift people from their own pain to the child's view. If they talk about the other parent, gently ask: 'And what does your child see?' Ordinary examples if the room is quiet: a child watching faces at handover, a child going quiet.
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PlayVideo: Introduction (1 min) - What does your child notice most?
About 1 minute. Afterwards: 'Which part of that did your child see?'
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AskModule 1 · Part 1: Which does more harm to children: the separation itself, or the way their parents deal with each other afterwards?
A prediction, not a test. Get people to commit to a view and a reason, then don't reveal the answer. Show of hands works well: 'Hands up for the separation... hands up for how the parents handle it.'
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PlayVideo: Module 1, Part 1 (4.5 min) - The separation, or how parents handle it?
About 4.5 minutes. Afterwards: 'What stood out? Did anything match what you thought, or surprise you?' Draw out the idea of the child living in the shared space between two worlds, and what conflict does to that space.
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AskModule 1 · Part 2: Your child asks, "Whose fault was it that you split up?"
Let people answer in their heads, then invite a few. Listen for: it's never your fault, it's not your job to decide who is right, no blaming the other parent, no promises on their behalf.
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PlayVideo: Module 1, Part 2 (4.5 min) - Whose fault was it?
About 4.5 minutes. Afterwards: 'How would you answer now? What would you want your child to know for certain?'
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AskModule 2 · Part 1: When parents can't agree on much, what works better for the children?
This sets up parallel parenting. Most people assume talking it through is best. Let them commit to a view before Part 1.
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PlayVideo: Module 2, Part 1 (1 min) - Talk it all through, or keep it businesslike?
Under a minute: Hayder's introduction. Straight on to the next question.
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AskModule 2 · Part 2: What do you think parallel parenting means?
Let people guess. Push gently on the worry that it sounds cold. The video's answer: it isn't cold, it's protective.
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PlayVideo: Module 2, Part 2 (3 min) - What is parallel parenting?
About 3 minutes. Afterwards: 'So what is parallel parenting, in your own words?' Listen for: two homes in separate lanes heading the same way; you can't fix the other parent, but you can build a system that cuts the chances for conflict. 'You can't change the weather, but you can put up a fence.'
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AskModule 2 · Part 3: How would you rewrite this so it is brief, calm and about the children? "You were late again and you never think about the kids. If you cared you would have been here on time for once."
Read the message aloud in a flat voice; people will recognise it. Give everyone 60 seconds to rewrite it on paper or their phone. Take two or three versions. Then: 'Where would you send it: text, email or an app?'
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PlayVideo: Module 2, Part 3 (2 min 45) - Brief, calm, about the children
About 2 minutes 45: the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) and choosing the channel. Afterwards: 'Would you change your rewrite now?' Point out email slows things down, a shared calendar ends 'you never told me', and phone calls escalate.
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AskModule 2 · Part 4: Your child comes home and says, "Mum (or Dad) says it's your fault we don't live together."
A hard one. Let it sit. Listen for: staying calm, not hitting back at the other parent, 'that's an adult problem', reassuring the child.
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PlayVideo: Module 2, Part 4 (2 min 40) - Keeping your child out of the middle
About 2 minutes 40: a painfully specific parenting plan, stop trying to win, keep the kids out of the middle. Afterwards: 'What would you say now?' Highlight the phrase 'That's an adult problem', said calmly and often.
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AskModule 2 · Part 5: When the last-minute change or the guilt trip arrives, what will you do between reading it and replying?
Most people know their patterns already: the last-minute change, the false emergency, the guilt trip. The goal is a predictable response to a predictable pattern.
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PlayVideo: Module 2, Part 5 (2 min) - The pause before you reply
About 2 minutes, ending with Hayder's 'pick one thing' challenge. This leads straight into the toolkit and the action question.
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SlideTwo homes, in separate lanes
A recap of what the videos covered. Ask: 'Which of these do you already do? Which would make the biggest difference?' Stress the heading: what happens in the other house is the other house's business, unless your child is unsafe.
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AskWhat is the one thing you will do differently this week?
Hand out cards or ask people to write it in their phone. One thing only, about their own actions, not the other parent's. If it's vague ('be calmer'), ask: 'What exactly will you do, and when?'
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SlideWhen it is more than conflict
Say this plainly. Parallel parenting is for high conflict, not for situations where someone is afraid. Never suggest a parent negotiate their way out of violence.
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SlideThe Co-Parenting Children course
Thank people for coming. Mention that Module 1 and the start of Module 2 are free, and that the full course gives a Certificate of Completion they can show a mediator or lawyer if they choose.